Reproductive technology using donated
eggs, sperm or embryos may be the only way some people
can have a baby. These children are very much wanted
and many happy families have been formed in this way.
In the past parents were often advised not to tell
their child of their donor conception. We now know
that this is not necessarily in the best interests
of the child, and that children have the right to
know how they were conceived and about their genetic
history. Many people concerned with children’s
welfare and adults who were born from donated sperm
are leading the way to change the law so that in the
future all children can find information about their
donor origins.
You may have gone through a roller coaster of emotions
and will have had to come to terms with not having
a child that is genetically ‘yours’. You
may not have told anyone including the child’s
grandparents, uncles, aunts and friends. However your
child’s history should not be kept secret from
them. You may need support, and your child may need
support. You may have fears that telling your child
will harm your relationship with your child. Many
parents are now facing this complex issue.
The Law in SA
Under the Reproductive Technology Act 1988 donors
have the right to have their identity kept secret
unless they agree in writing to release information.
Some children have been born as a result of “known”
donation from family members or friends. In most cases
nonidentifying information about the donor has been
kept confidentially. This may include details such
as height, weight, colouring, interests, occupation
and family background. Any person over the age of
sixteen years born from donated sperm, eggs or embryos
may access this information provided it cannot identify
the donor.
In recent years donors are more willing to let their
identities be known. Parents nowadays are counselled
to tell their children about their origins.
Why telling is important
The right to know your history
Our genetic identity is part of our history - it
is the beginning of our life story. Knowing our history
helps us to understand who we are. Secrecy is not
in the best interests of the child. Experience tells
us that knowing of donor origins is not a problem
in itself.
The circumstances in which disclosure or discovery
occurs can, however, cause problems. We also know
that the absence of such information can damage self-esteem.
If your child is told by somebody else or accidentally
finds out, they may feel a sense of betrayal.
Why telling is important - medical
reasons
We are born with an inherited tendency towards developing
certain diseases later in life. If we know our history
it can help to either get an early diagnosis or prevent
diseases developing, eg bowel or breast cancer. Donors
are asked to record the diseases in their families
and this information is available from the clinics,
for your child.
DNA testing and blood group testing are becoming
more common and such tests can show that two people
may not be related as thought. Receiving such important
and personal information in this way can seriously
damage a sense of trust and family relationships.
There is a very small but real risk that when your
child becomes an adult they will meet, fall in love
and have sex with their half-brother or sister. If
both knew their origins they could check on whether
they were related before this happened.
Why telling is important - family
relationships
Secrets in families can undermine the trust and stability
of family relationships. Secrets are hard to keep
for long - the idea of a life-long secret is a great
burden.
The stress of keeping secrets can cause arguments,
conflict and stress.
Being secretive may indicate to others that we are
ashamed, especially to the child. Infertility is a
health problem, not a reason for shame.
When to tell
Children should be told as soon as they are able
to understand rather than be left to guess. They may
wonder why you waited so long or they may find out
from somebody else.
How and when you tell your child is important. There
is no set age that is best - children develop at different
rates. Start telling your child even if you think
they are too young to understand.
Try telling it like a story, especially for younger
children. Don’t make it sound like a big secret.
Remember many people had their children this way.
Make your child feel special in this knowledge. Tell
them how wanted they were. Compare it with other ways
of family formation such as adoption and step-families.
Telling family and friends
All families are different and talking to a counsellor
about how to tell may be helpful. If children know,
they may tell others. If you have told a family member
and not your child, the ‘secret’ may come
out.
Choose people who will be supportive when told and
who can provide moral support. Remember infertility
is common (1 in 7 couples).
Surveys have shown that most people approve of and
support the use of donors to help create families.
How children respond
Be prepared for reactions that you may not be expecting.
Your child may reassure you that it doesn’t
alter how much they love you. Some children may not
be at all interested.
Your child may tell you that they thought something
was different because no one talked about them having
‘mum’s eye colour’ or ‘dad’s
nose’ for example.
Children may be curious about how it all happened.
Practice for what you might tell them. |
