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Having been a DCSG member and a donor for about nine
years, I receive the regular newsletter and am always
impressed by the amount of work people have obviously
put into the group’s day to day running and
activities. Of special interest are the Personal Stories
telling of the necessity to be open and honest with
offspring, offspring in search of donor details, and
the relief of people finding an organisation to share
questions, fears and experiences. It seems people
were previously very much on their own.
Both families and offspring seem to very appreciative
of their donor, most wondering about him, some even
wanting to meet to say “Hi” and “Thanks”.
The sad thing is most of the time the option is just
not there. Hopefully today’s donor conception
programs are collecting enough information to alleviate
these problems in the future.
In this day and age, any hospitals, clinics, and donors
or couples who participate in this program without
providing identifying information for the resulting
children are, in my opinion, putting their own needs
and insecurities first. Put simply, a moral obligation
exists to give donor conception offspring the option
to trace their own biological origins. Sooner or later,
these kids will suspect or want to know the truth
about themselves, for themselves. In all honesty,
who wouldn’t. Deliberately withholding information
from someone, child or adult puts them at a distinct
unfair advantage, and surely amounts to, using today’s
buzzword, discrimination. Donor conception children,
once given the information, don’t have a problem
with their origins. It is we adults, that have the
hangups. Prospective couples need to know what happens
down the track. If the responsibility can’t
be accepted, don’t go through with it. Adult
offspring will be, and are, actively looking for information.
It’s only natural. We should have learnt from
the problems associated with adoption secrecy. As
a donor, I had to consider such issues as the possibility
of coping with having helped create a retarded child,
or one with an all-consuming obsession with me as
the biological father. I also had to come to terms
with the masturbation aspect. I had no desire to hide
behind anonymity and in fact left a family photo in
my file at the clinic.
Being a member has enabled me to meet families and
offspring and see the “other side” instead
of just hospitals, nurses and doctors. I have been
invited to attend seminars and even nervously speak
in front of an audience. Likewise, families and offspring
have been able to meet and demystify at least one
donor, and to see just a normal guy, with his own
family, who wanted to help.
Warren and Leonie’s family and mine (and others)
have met socially on several occasions and it is all
too apparent that we are all normal people. One of
the things we have in common, is having accepted a
“work around” to one of life’s challenges,
that of infertility. Whilst I haven’t yet met
any of my recipient families or children, I would
be proud to have been Warren and Leonie’s donor.
Anyone meeting Leonie is soon aware of a no-nonsense
straightforward openness. “Dave the donor”,
would just be another family friend seen socially
every now and then. Inquisitive questions wouldn’t
be a problem. A biological father’s true function,
is to make possible a unique, self sufficient family
unit which would otherwise not eventuate.
Other highlights have included meeting adult offspring
and other donors:
• Bill Cordray, from the United States,
where secrecy is even more of a problem.
• Geraldine, Warren and Leonie’s eldest;
Lauren, Jo and Ian’s daughter; and Becky, three
intelligent, articulate young women with firm confident
handshakes, both actively in search of their own donor
details. I wish them all the best in an unnecessarily
difficult task.
• Kevin, a donor from Melbourne, who, like
me, is happy to show the human side of the all too
often faceless donor.
Even though I advocate openness, I am reluctant
to be in the public eye in the media. I recently declined
an invitation from Lingard Hospital to appear on SBS.
My family is not keen and to be honest I don’t
think I want that exposure. Unfortunately, media exposure
is one of the most effective tools in educating the
public. Thankfully there are others willing to fill
that role.
Keeping in the context of honesty, my children (15
and 13) and wife have read this letter (and previous
letters). Comments such as:“ did you write this”
(daughter) , “ hmm, it’s good” (my
wife), and “ it’s well written”
(son) are the norm. They are actually pleased to think
they have a half biological brother or sister somewhere.
When I asked my daughter how would she feel if someone
withheld crucial information from her, she replied
“ Pissed off”. I think that says it all.
It will be interesting to see what options the future
brings for all concerned.
Dave The Donor, February 2002
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